Category Archives: Thoughts

Start Your Revengines……

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I don’t want to tell you everything is okay anymore because it’s not… It’s always been this never resting, push and pull of uncertainty between us. Either we’re best friends, getting married and building houses with secret passages, or we’re never going to speak again or even live within the same 500 mile radius. Maybe I’m just growing up or maybe my trip to see you cleared some things up… But I tried. I wore a dress. I spent $30 on cupcakes. Nice fucking cupcakes. I talked to your parents, and really talked for the first time in years. We listened to Alanis Morissette and she belted out words that I now feel when thinking about you. You suck.

I hate that you told me you thought about saving up for an engagement ring by putting spare change in a coin jar. I hate that you still wear my belt, because it’s a girls belt and I know you let other girls touch it. I hate you so much that I deleted you off of all social media platforms, just so I don’t have to look at that belt. It’s from Abercrombie Kids, you’re too old for it, even though you are the biggest man child in existence. I used to keep you on my friend’s list, reasoning I want you to see how awesome my life is and be jealous that you’re not here. I’m finally realizing that it was so I could keep track of your life, even when you decided to ‘simply be selfish’ and not speak to me. But I can’t stand even that anymore, so since you’re such a self-absorbed narcissist I’ll leave you to yourself. I’m sucking the poison out of my life (Mean Girls quote of the day) and you don’t deserve to see my statuses or photos of my adventures, not until you learn how to control your passive aggressive actions and become a real person. Yes, I realize the indirectness/irony of this post.

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Weekly Photo Challenge: Change

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Crocuses are the first flowers to bloom in spring. Not that I’m a flower buff or anything, I just picked up some knowledge here and there when my mom shared her excitement about gardening in the yard. Interestingly enough, I can’t remember these flowers needing any special attention whatsoever. They usually gave the OK signal for other flowers to be planted, appearing just as the grass turns green again and spring sets in. These flowers indicate change; they arrive and flourish amidst the left over debris of fall and winter. As winter ends, I reassess how I made out on the other side. Spring always means new people, new adventures and a revived sense of purpose. And usually after a long winter, I need the symbolic reassurance of change that these flowers bring.

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Muses

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The larger meaning behind all the University Crushes pages is actually pretty endearing if you look beyond all of the misogynistic, yet hysterical comments. Peppered amongst uninhibited and profane suggestions, there are actually some people that appear to be seeking real emotional connections through anonymous posts of appreciation. Their proclamations of love are being met with a lash of criticism: you cannot possible know that you love someone that you do not interact with on a regular basis, or have even spoken to in a serious context. Love is the wrong word, but their value in our lives is indispensable. It’s exciting to not know these people that inexplicably appeal to our senses, and it’s comforting to admire them from afar. They remind me of the type of relationship I might possibly want one day through the way they comb their hair and banter with strangers. Crushes are like a commodity; they can be fetishized, and collected, and used for our own personal gains and enjoyment. Though never actualized, secret crushes are my favorite; you can’t ruin them because they are in your control. They don’t have the ability to be uprooted by wandering eyes or self-wallowing fears of commitment because the crush isn’t grounded in anything remotely real. Ideally, secret crushes don’t have a life outside of the world you created for them inside of your head.

Maybe the haters on these pages just don’t have an imagination. Shout-out to the muses that make our worlds just a little bit brighter, just by existing. There are some humans that you just like more than others, not in a stalkery way, in a completely functional, appreciative and distant way. They make the world a prettier place, and if we really knew them, they would likely show us demons that look a lot like ours. If I were to write a post, it would look something like this, only it wouldn’t be to anyone in Albany, or to anyone that even my closest friends would expect:

I couldn’t wait to walk away from something I knew I would miss. He scared me in a fiery, chaotic, wholesome, holistic way. I admired him for the books in his room and the words in his head, but mostly for the questions he asked. He forced me to explore a new metaphysical territory of myself in a mere 12 hours and I knew I had to go; maybe I’ll give him a hug when I see him this summer, but he’ll have no idea the kind of havoc we would bring upon the world if we wanted to.

The best part is the person could read this and not even know it was about him, which is perfect because then it wouldn’t be nearly as magical and ideal as I see it now.

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Tips for a Positive Life: A Follow-up

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 This chart is titled “60 Ways to Nurture Yourself,” courtesy of Suzanne E. Harill from Innerworks Counseling.  I received this in an informational meeting to use with difficult, distraught students. Naturally, I plan on laminating this and putting it on my fridge for personal use. These are some great answers for when someone says (or you think), “I’m so upset [or bored] that I don’t know what to do.”

Some of it is out of date–listen to tapes…? But beyond that, it seems there’s something constructive for everyone’s personal taste and preference. My favorites: Study ancient, esoteric wisdom teachings and Write a letter to someone who has hurt you, but do not send it. So next time you feel like curling up in your bed and hiding from the universe, choose one of these options instead. Because people that do things are a lot happier and more interesting than people that don’t.

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Tips for Leading a Positive Life

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The old adage “ignorance is bliss” can be painfully true sometimes. Early on in my college experience, I ended up baking cookies with my friend and her ex-boyfriend, a summer flame from years past. We had intended for this ginger manchild to give us a lesson on how to make no-bake cookies; however, he attempted to lay some cosmic knowledge on us that he learned in his sketchy adventures across the globe. Long story short, we ended up discussing the complexities of humankind and the universe.  I’m not sure whether it was the weight of the air in the room, or the fatigue from laying on the beach all day, but we remember only bits and pieces of this dense conversation that took place as the cookies settled. Through a fog, I remember Lucie tapping me and asking, “Why are you staring at that family crest?” It was green and gold and meant nothing to me. I closed my eyes, shook my head, but still felt confined by the heat and pressure. I’m never one to have my head in the clouds, so we left immediately after eating the no-bake cookies. Looking back, this was a questionable choice. We only remember him repeating to me, “You’re a thinker.”

It didn’t matter how strange this surreal, out-of-body experience with this gingerman was; we always refer to his phrase, “You’re a thinker.” I always overanalyze things. I play out convoluted situations in my head after they happen, and I think of how the person reacted to every serious comment I made. I do this with happy occasions too, but overthinking can be a dangerous game in terms of regret. You start thinking of could-have, would-have, should-have circumstances and you get further from accepting what came of the situation. Despite this, I am a happy, upbeat person. I smile in uncomfortable situations; I help strangers because it hurts me to not to. I don’t understand people who think all of our society/world/universe is doomed. There is still beauty in the world, although many people around us cling to the negative. I agree with Anne Frank: People are inherently good, despite many aspects of evil in the world. At this time, I’m not prepared to help with the question: “Why do bad things happen to good people?” But, here’s a few ideas of how to deal with the world when you’re thinking, “Why does my life suck?”

1) There is no such thing as a bad day, week, month, or year. You only have bad moments. I’m sure something positive occurred during that time frame too. Saying you’re having a bad day might cause you to overlook good things.

2) Not “getting what you want” always has a marginal benefit to you. If things don’t work out the way you envisioned, talk it out with a friend or make a list of the things that can now happen because the said thing did not. This is particularly helpful with boys, jobs, apartments, etc.– really any missed opportunities.

3) Ask yourself if you’ll still care about this problem in 5 hours, 5 days, 5 months, and 5 years. Then react accordingly. You don’t need to call everyone you know for advice and sympathy about a temporary problem. Also, you probably shouldn’t waste your time grieving temporary uncertainties/issues.

4) Reach out to friends/family/strangers if you need help, or a good laugh. Too many people go with the urge to isolate themselves when they’re upset, and usually it doesn’t help. Friends and family provide us with support, but a nice stranger can really impact our views on human behavior.

5) Put your energy into something productive, creative, and tangible (if you’re that type of person). Do some play therapy: pick up a box of crayons and color; doodle on the back of your phone bill; freewrite your feelings or a story; build something; or finish a home project. Being silly and feeling accomplished goes a long way.

6) Plan a trip if you have money, a date if you have an exciting crush, and always a fancy dinner with a friend to reward yourself, because you deserve it.

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You can’t be afraid to make the life you want yours. Self-advocacy is one of the toughest parts of growing up, but that’s no reason to not get what you want. The National Equality March posted this photo earlier this week and I can’t even begin to do justice on how inspirational this is on the policy level, to unite an entire group of people fighting for one cause. In our personal lives, we can take a few notes from what has become a full-fledged civil rights movement. You have to empower yourself to make the smallest step, even if you have to crawl an inch closer to what you want.

If you have a question that’s been nagging you, you need to ask it. There will never be a time that you’re ready. So speak up, get out there, and do at least something for the answers you need in life. This could mean changing something you know is currently an unjust, or maybe it’s simply closure. Time won’t answer those questions, and if they’re the types that replay in your head when you’re alone or hear old songs, they won’t answer themselves. If you’re afraid of damaging your pride, there are too many boring, one-dimensional people out there anyway.

Earlier this week, I woke up a little earlier than usual. Naturally, I made the choice to finish watching Silver Linings Playbook, instead of making sure I wouldn’t have to run to catch the bus downtown. At the end of the film, everything miraculously comes together for B. Coop’s character. He ends the film with this expository insight: “The world will break your heart ten ways to Sunday, that’s guaranteed, and I can’t begin to explain that, or the craziness inside myself and everybody else but guess what? Sunday is my favorite day again. I think of everything everyone did for me and I feel like a very lucky guy.” The world is going to break your heart, but the key to all of this is keeping your heart open to everyone who won’t. You have to realize that there are awful, soul-sucking people that will grab hold of you sometimes. If you keep your heart open to the people that will lift you above this, you’ll enjoy Sunday again.

Answers

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Where will you be?

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If you could be any place in the world right now, where would you be? That’s a fairly easy question to answer: most of us would say right here. Why—because we like to be right, and if we admitted anywhere else, then we would have done something dreadfully wrong to not get what we want. Others would say that staying put was the most practical choice, even if the town we live in can’t provide us the same adventure it did as wide-eyed 18-year-olds, or for the first time we pranced around the city’s streets six years ago. One day, I will find myself in a new place with new people, and I find that only semi-comforting. I’d really just like to handpick individual people from my past and place them on an island to eat breakfast sandwiches and talk about great things, but that would be selfish.

The question I’m trying to land on is this: Is there anyone you’ve met that you would want to share your whole life with? The harder question to answer as we grow older: If you could have your own life and tag around in someone else’s life, whom would you choose? And would you be happy there? Do you just want a similar life that parallels theirs in terms of awesome? Or if you want to be around this person, would you one day sacrifice the life you have to fit those two together? I might be the only person that thinks of the gravity of these things.

I’ve been thinking about home a lot recently. Not the conventional meaning: the house I share with my roommates or even the home I grew up in, now my parents’ house, I guess. For most of us kids in our twenties, home has become something we constructed as we moved out of dorms, graduated college, and freely chose who we would tell our stories to when we walk in the door. The longer we spend out of our homes, the more distant they become. You can never step into the same river twice, and thus our past homes become something we preserve in our memories. The concept of home becomes this transient place, and our own happiness depends on our willingness to build our happiness with those we choose to be around. But, no pressure though.

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